I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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