After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
