how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
