How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.