tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat