win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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