birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
