we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
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