Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
