Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
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So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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