WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
