i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Randomize
