im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
