Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She bit a glass in half.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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