He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
