how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
