I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
