His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
