just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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