Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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