"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
