He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I need a beard to bite.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think people are normalizing furries
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
