How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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