I need help removing her.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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