My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
