Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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