I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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