Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
