I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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