At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
