I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
