When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
