if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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