I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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