walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
