Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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