New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
