i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
