I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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