Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
