Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
