i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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