I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
