i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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