My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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