my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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