I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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