it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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