My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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