Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
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