Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
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