You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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