Apparently you make a good broom.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
