I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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