good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
