all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
