the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
