i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
