hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
