remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You made out with two different species that night
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
