I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
