my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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