Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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